A Quiet Place To Visit

Last Friday I got a call from the monument company saying they were at the cemetery ready to put in Aaron's headstone but were having trouble finding his grave. Trying to describe where to find the plot was proving difficult so I jumped in the car and headed down to show them where he was. What I didn't expect was the flood of emotions that came on the drive down. Of course when I got there just a few minutes later they had found the site. We have been anxiously awaiting this for a couple months now and we are happy it has finally been placed.

Last night for Family Night we took flowers over and showed the kids how the vase on the side works. Visiting Aaron has become a regular thing for our family and now we have a place to put flowers will we come. Anytime we are near the cemetery Joseph will ask if we can go visit Aaron. When I ask the other kids if they want to go the answer is always a resounding YES! I am a little surprised by their exuberance sometimes but whenever we pull in they usually quiet down. Peaceful feelings are always abundant there and I wonder if that is why the kids want to go.

Fun Times

Here are a few photos of things that have been keeping us busy the last few weeks.

Family Nights at the park.

Charley and I were given tickets to the YW general broadcast. We took Trax up and went to dinner afterwards. It was a great experience to go with my daughter and the talks were great!

Evening walks around the lake with Ronny. This one happened to turn into a 5 mile walk but it was nice to get outside and enjoy the sunset together.

And of course the Pinewood Derby. Joseph won the Bear division and Sam came in 4th in the Wolves division. They designed, cut, and sanded all by themselves. Dad helped with the weights, wheels, and paint.

One picture that I don't have is one from the district debate contest. I was busy keeping three boys quiet while their big sister debated the merits of buying local produce. She did well enough that her and her partner will be competing in the State Debate Contest next week. She has done a great job and has been working and practicing this for weeks. We are sure proud of what she has accomplished.

Post-Op

So before I start with the updates let me just say I was NOT planning on taking this picture, Heaven knows I would be pretty irritated if Ronny had taken one of me like this, but he insisted and had it posted to his Google+ account before we left the hospital so I figured it was blog worthy here.

Ronny's surgery went well. Getting his IV didn't go so well. It took 3 tries, lots of oxygen, and lots of extra attention from the nursing staff! I think that was the worst part for him. His tumor was removed and his PTH levels were cut more than in half immediately so Dr. Hunt was sure it was just the one gland affected. He did check 2 others though to make doubly sure. Ronny also had a few swollen lymph nodes which concerned the doctor so he had those biopsied while the blood tests were run. Those came back benign so as far as we know we are done other than a follow up visit. All went smoothly so he was able to come home this afternoon. Ronny is still pretty groggy and is in some pain but he is listening and taking his pain meds and is now sleeping.

He is cleared to go back to work tomorrow although we'll make that decision in the morning. He can't drive and is usually pretty out of it when on prescription pain meds so I get to help make that call tomorrow! The doctor told him he can't run for at least 7 days and then only mild activity after that, the nurse told him mild activity did not include running. He is not so happy about that. Thankfully the doctor wrote that down in the discharge notes so there is no arguing for at least 7 more days on that topic.

Pre-Op

This morning Ronny and I met with Ronny's surgeon up at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. The resident came in first (we know the drill with teaching hospitals!) She was great and so funny. She told us they typically schedule surgery for those with urine calcium levels over 400, Ronny's was over 1000! So surgery is definitely in our future! After she was done Dr. Hunt came in and did everything again and then told us that 90% of these tumors are just on one of the 4 glands but with Ronny's blood and urine levels and history of symptoms he told Ronny that his odds of primary parathyroid hyperplasia (all 4 glands affected) are about 50%. Once they remove the affected gland they will run more blood work while he is under anesthesia (the PTH half life is only 5-8 minutes), if the PTH levels drop a good deal then they know only the one gland is affected, if the levels don't drop then they will know that the other glands have problems as well. If that is the case they will take out 3 of his glands and leave the least problematic one in. The tricky part to taking out 3 of the 4 is that they have to find all 4 which means exploratory surgery and possibly an overnight stay as opposed to coming home a few hours after the surgery and a slightly larger incision.

We asked Dr. Hunt when he would be available to do the surgery as we are right in the middle of a job change and insurance change. Turns out someone canceled their surgery on Thursday so we got the open spot, hooray! Otherwise we would have had to wait until Ronny gets back from his upcoming trip to Europe. I know it sounds kind of strange that we are cheering for surgery this week as opposed to later, but that is just how we play this crazy game of life in the wacky world of strange medical anomalies.

New Adventures

Like I said before, change is a constant in our lives it seems. For the last little while things have been put in place for Ronny to steer a new course in his employment. Ronny's boss and 2 other colleagues from his current company are branching out to try something new and are currently starting a new machine learning company. We've been waiting for a few key pieces of the puzzle to be put in place before saying anything. The announcement has now been made at his current company so we can now share the news. There are quite a bit of details to still work out but it looks like they will be starting their new adventure sometime in the next few weeks. We anticipate there will be more travel involved as it looks like a good portion of the work will be overseas this summer.

Ronny is really excited for this new opportunity and to really put to use all that stuff he learned in the many years of grad school he completed! There is quite a bit of unknown in the months ahead, yet we feel this is the direction we need to go. We've had quiet moments to sit and discuss what lies ahead of us and what changes may come with our family. We know this opportunity wouldn't have been possible to us had Aaron come home (although we would have preferred that), nor could we have done this when our other children were younger. Life is a constant mystery it seems. We know there will be long hours of work ahead for all of us and we are little anxious to get started.

Electives

Charley came home with her junior high registration materials yesterday. I need to make an app0intment for her well check up and next series of booster shots. She is not so excited about that! She also gets to decide on what electives she'll take next year. Its a big decision for her and it seems she is changing her mind hourly. We are letting her choose whatever she wants as we feel she is in need of some "fun" time in her education. We finally got her test scores back from her latest round of ALPS testing, they were sent to the wrong address. Smarty Pants! She's way smarter than I ever was! We love seeing her with her group of friends that she has developed these last two years, they are wonderful girls from great families and I am thrilled most of them will be together through this next phase of life.

Charley is starting her next big project for school. She is writing a 5 chapter autobiography. I'm actually pretty excited about this one and am anxious to see what she writes. She'll be calling a few key players in her life to get some information.

Decision Making

These last few days Ronny and I have found a few minutes here and there to do some research and talk to a few people about our latest medical oddity. We have realized that this tumor is more trouble than first thought. This little bugger is slowly leaching Ronny's bones of calcium and is pumping excess amounts of PTH hormones throughout his body. To prevent serious osteoporosis and other cancers its recommended the tumor get removed sooner rather than later. It seems that this kind of tumor usually doesn't develop until later in life so Ronny having one in his 30's is less common in a not very common disorder to begin with, hence the excitement by the endocrinologist. Surprise, we win the prize once again! We are once again fortunate to have caught it now as opposed to later when it could have caused more serious problems. We'll be calling the recommended surgeon this week and scheduling an appointment.

This frequent flyer hospital plan we seem to be on is getting really old, not to mention really expensive!!! Yet, as things continue to crop up we find that we deal with each new hurdle much differently than we did just a few years or even a few months ago. We tend to laugh more about these diagnoses, which we notice tends to unnerve some and baffle others. The humor gets us through the time we are convincing our bodies the adrenaline and anxiety levels shooting through us needs to calm down. We are grateful to have had time to stop, think, research, and pray for guidance ahead this time. For so long we were making huge medical decisions at warp speed that we weren't able to pray for guidance before a decision was made, our prayers were more pleas for peace that we did the right thing as it was happening.

We find ourselves overwhelmed with gratitude once again by those of you who have continued to keep our family in your prayers, helped with blessings, added our names to the temple rolls once again, and offered words of concern and encouragement. We continue to feel the Lord's love and strength as we wade through our next hurdle.

"Its not a tumor".... Actually it is!

Ronny's results came in this afternoon. His thyroid cyst is benign and the doctor recommends he have it looked at again in 6 months. The other mass is a parathyroid tumor and his blood calcium level is elevated however only slightly. The doctor recommends he have it removed. Ronny is going to talk to a few other people and get their take on things before he calls the surgeon's office.

The results of the cyst were as we suspected, the tumor on the other hand was completely unexpected. I don't think either one of us are ready to jump into another surgery or another hospital visit. It certainly doesn't look like this is something life threatening so we'll gather as much information and get a few other opinions before making that decision.

You Just Have to Laugh!

Ok, so this morning Ronny finally had his biopsy. He had a very nice doctor who had a chart explaining all the possible outcomes of what the results would be and explained everything that would happen in the procedure. We were taken back and he looked around on the ultrasound. This time the cyst looked different, lots more fluid and the mass we saw so clearly before was hard to make out and this doctor wasn't sure if it was even there anymore. He scanned around and then got real excited about a new mass that he first called a parathyroid tumor or a very swollen lymph node just outside the thyroid. He thinks its a tumor which he said was almost always benign and probably was causing Ronny's kidney stones. He said he would know after he got a blood calcium level. (When I say he was excited, I really mean it, he was like a little kid opening presents on his birthday!)

So then he started the procedure. He first gave Ronny the numbing medication and told Ronny that would be the worst of it. Ronny was doing well up to that point. Then he put the syringe in to draw the fluid, he was moving it around quite a bit and struggling to pull the fluid out. At that point I looked at Ronny's hands and noticed they were whiter than the sheet. Then the nurse felt his skin go cold. Then the doctor released the end of the syringe and it snapped back like a rubber band. (I guess the fluid was crazy thick!) Then both the doctor and the nurse were asking if he was ok and Ronny started to tell them he was really sick to his stomach. Then the doctor asked if he was still with us and told the nurse to go get the oxygen. (At this point I am thinking I should have told them before they started about Ronny not doing well with needles, oops!) Both the doctor and nurse looked to me to try to reassure me he would be fine while I was trying not to laugh and assured them that I really was not worried.

The doctor was not able to get as much fluid as he wanted because it was soooo thick and that Ronny was about to pass out, but he had enough cells for one slide. He then told Ronny that next time they will sedate him. At which point I said, next time????? You could tell at this point the doctor really wanted to get a blood calcium but wasn't sure Ronny could handle it. That's when I said, well he already has the oxygen and he's laying down, you might as well do it now, so they did!

So depending on what the results are, Ronny will either have the affected lobe removed (worst case scenario), or they will do nothing and have him come back in 3 months to do all this again. He wanted to drain the cyst completely but the fluid was just too thick for the size of the needle they were using. If they decide to have him come back in 3 months they will sedate him, (he really freaked them out this time!). If his blood calcium comes back high they may decide to remove the new mass they found today. Leave it to us to come in for one thing only to leave having something else entirely to test. The doctor told us again that only 4% of these cysts were cancerous, I told him our family was really good at meeting the low odds. Of course then we had to explain our uncanny ability to find all things rare.

We should have the results sometime in the next week and a call from the doctor to tell us what the next steps will be. So now we once again get to play the waiting game. Both Ronny and I were laughing and keeping things as light as possible, I don't think they knew what to do with us.

Random Photos and Updates

(Charley passes up Nana in the height department!)

I finally downloaded my camera and both our cell phones and realized how far behind on updates I am. So here are a few photos and updates to try to catch up, they start with the oldest and end with the newest.

Ice Skating

Our 1 day of sledding this season. (Can't say I'm too sorry about the lack of snow thus far!)

Charley was a troll in her class play.
(Hands down the cutest school play I've seen so far, and I have seen my fair share!)

Family Sports Nights watching lots of BYU Men's Volleyball. Of course our boys insist on dancing in the half time competition. Sam even has his own following now, believe it or not he has been recognized at places around town as the boy in the green shirt dancing his heart out! We are encouraging him to try out for Cosmo when he goes to the Y!

We always hit Krispy Kreme on the way home after each game.
We love it when the HOT light is on!

Mom loves it when she turns around to see all 4 asleep on the way home.
How often does that happen???Off track swim lessons. While waiting for his class Ben enjoys dancing to the water aerobics music and puts on a good show for the ladies!

Indoor soccer for all 3 boys and another season of coaching for Dad! We are knew to the indoor soccer season and so far we are loving it! Especially when I think of how cold it is outside!

Blue and Gold dinner. Joseph's cake is the spaceship on the left and Sam's is the Lego Star Wars crash landing and battle on a planet of course. They both enjoyed designing and frosting their own cakes. I should have taken a picture of my kitchen afterwards, it was pretty scary!

Joseph earned his Bear!

Ben turns 6!!!

I'm sure I missed quite a bit in pictures, like Charley playing church basketball for example and the many phone calls for babysitting she gets every week, but I'm thankful for the ones I have and am amazed at how well my kids have adjusted. They are amazing and soooooo full of energy. I think about everything going on in the next 2 months and know that life sure isn't slowing down.

Forward we roll!

Come Listen To A Prophet's (or apostle's) Voice

Friday the boys started their swim lessons. Ben's lesson starts 45 minutes after the other boys lesson so we were sitting on the bench waiting his turn. A water aerobics class soon started and music starting blaring through a portable speaker. Not willing to miss an opportunity to dance Ben jumped up and put on a show for the next 20 minutes. The ladies loved it and cheered him on. It was pretty funny watching him shake and shimmy in his swim trunk. Later that night Joseph had another soccer game and then we headed down for another BYU volleyball game.

Saturday morning started with more soccer, then Ronny and I were able to find some time to have a nice walk around the lake. On our walk we talked about Stake Conference that we would be having and I told Ronny I hoped and prayed it would be uplifting. The last few days were pretty emotional and I really needed some nourishment for my soul. Boy was I overwhelmed with the answer to that prayer! We were fortunate to have Dallin H. Oaks visiting as well as Elder Clark (I believe he's a regional authority). Elder Oaks is one funny guy and left us all uplifted Saturday night.

This morning Ronny and Joseph headed over an hour early in hopes of getting seats somewhere in the cultural hall. The rest of the kids and I headed over about 20 minutes later. Just after getting settled I looked up to see Elder Oaks coming down the aisles shaking hands with those in attendance. I whispered to Charley that Elder Oaks was there and that he was an apostle. She was out of her chair in no time wanting to shake his hand. I turned to the boys and asked if they would like to shake his hand as well. I walked them over and Elder Oaks shook their hands and then he pulled them into a great big hug. It was so sweet and tender and with tears in my eyes I shook his hand and thanked him. I hope they will never forget this experience, it certainly won't be something I will.

For the life of me I can not remember another conference where I left with so much joy. It was truly an uplifting meeting. When Elder Oaks rose to speak our kids immediately quieted down and listened (first time ever we didn't have to ask them to be quiet!). When we were leaving Joseph came to me and told me he really liked the speakers, especially Elder Oak's talk. I don't know if its because he is an apostle, or if it was because Joseph got a hug from him, or if he told good stories, or if the spirit was overwhelming, but what a great conference, especially for my kids! Hopefully they will be just as excited with General Conference in a few weeks.

A Few Quick Updates

We thought Ronny would have his biopsy at the same place he had his ultrasound, unfortunately that is not the case, he has to go up to the University campus to do it. Thankfully he doesn't have to go to the hospital to have it done, just in an offsite facility in the research park. Driving that same drive we did last year is still difficult but having to go back to the hospital right now wouldn't help my sanity. They couldn't get him in until March 21st so we get to play the waiting game yet again.

Sam and Joseph made a trip to the orthodontist. Joseph got pushed back another 10 months (can't say I'm sad about that!) Sam got his first orders for teeth extraction and gets to come back in 6 months for more to be removed. Charley had an appointment today and is starting the widening phase. She is not such a happy camper right now and came home begging for the tylenol. She'll be sore for a while but is happy she doesn't have to go back for 10 weeks.

The boys had their blue and gold dinner this week and Mom got to help make 2 cakes, a flying saucer and a planet with a Star Wars battle, I'll post pictures later. Ben is turning 6 next week and I need to get a party planned!

The kids are off track and will start swim lessons this week. The last 2 years have not allowed us to do this for all kinds of crazy reasons so we are starting early to be ready for summer. We are determined to get our full dose of Vitamin D this year!

Blood Test and Official Ultrasound Results

Ronny's blood tests came back showing he has hypothyroidism (under producing thyroid). The doctor asked if he had seen hair loss, weight gain, dry skin, and a few other symptoms. All of which have happened but all of which could also be contributed to getting older or coming off a mighty stressful year. Ronny was awarded a new prescription that he'll most likely be on indefinitely. The mass measured 1.2 cm officially which put him in the need to biopsy category. The first ultrasound measured it as .9 cm which I believe still puts it into the margin of error but something to think on nonetheless and a question of is it getting bigger? I asked the doctor if cysts like this or cysts that are cancerous usually resulted in hypo or hyper thyroids. He said they usually would result in hypo thyroids. Not exactly the answer I was hoping for. Ronny will have his blood work redone in 8 weeks and they will also test him for a few autoimmune diseases as well. An ENT will actually be the one doing the biopsy so we are waiting to hear when they can get him in. The doctor said he still doesn't think its something to worry about, however in my book he becomes less convincing with the more tests he orders. Just saying....

Ultrasound Preliminary Results

Ronny's ultrasound showed a cyst with a mass that looked a little different this time than last time and measured 1 cm I believe (the mass is 1 cm the cyst is quite a bit bigger). The cyst consisted of both soft and hard tissue. The tech seemed to think this would warrant a FNA, fine needle aspiration, or essentially a biopsy. There was also a second smaller mass above the cyst. The smaller mass didn't seem to be concerning. Ronny's doctor's office called him this afternoon after receiving the results to make sure he had an appointment to come back next week. Hmmmm, not quite sure how I feel about that yet. We'll see what his blood tests look like then too.

More Ultrasound Surprises

A few weeks ago Ronny and I went to the open house for the new University of Utah Health Center here in Daybreak. Its massive and awesome, sure wish it had been open last year at this time! Anyway, they were doing several free assessments, including an ultrasound on the caryatid artery to check for plaque. Ronny was all for it and we waited in line. While both of us had no plague in the arteries the technician also checked our thyroid glands. When the tech started on the left side of Ronny's neck I asked what that odd mushroom looking object with a large black sack around it that seemed to be growing off his gland was. The tech turned and was surprised I caught it, I told him I had had my fair share of ultrasounds and could spot something out of place especially such a strange looking thing that clearly was not right.
He recommended Ronny have it checked out. Yeah, no problem there!

During the next week we talked to a few docs in the family to get their assessment. All said it was probably nothing but that he should definitely get it checked out. We also did a little hunting on the internet and found out that only about 5% of these are cancerous and then they listed about 6 risk factors, 4 of which Ronny fell into including being of male gender. So with our past history of rare medical finds, Ronny saw an internist yesterday and had his blood drawn for several tests. Today he gets another ultrasound and then a followup appointment next week. They'll decide then if it needs to be biopsied. Last night he was telling me that he had never had so much blood taken at one time (4 vials). I laughed out loud and told him it wasn't as much as he thought, then again when you see Ronny having any kind of needle near him it was enough to set off a few butterflies in his stomach. We'll see what the doctor says next week and where we go from here. We are very optimistic that this is not something major to worry about, however it seems that we were saying the same thing right about this time last year with a different kind of ultrasound....

He Loves Me

Monday morning I was surprised when the UPS guy stopped at our house with a package of gourmet chocolates and very sweet note. Tuesday morning I was surprised again when the doorbell rang and these beautiful flowers were delivered. Both days I was still in my pajamas when the deliveries came and the flower delivery guy was trying not to laugh. The owner of the flower shop they came from is in our ward, apparently they have been this arrangement for a couple weeks. He knows I'm a sucker for tulips and the tiger lilies were an added bonus as they were the main flower at our wedding. Sneaky man I'm married too, usually I can sniff out surprises like this, this year I was completely surprised. The floral scent coming from these are amazing, my house smells great!

I would definitely say that Ronny and I have had a great marriage thus far, we've had our bumps and our triumphs along the way like everyone else, but this last year I would say our marriage grew by leaps and bounds. We walked through fire together, prayed together, and cried together during our journey. There was a moment though one day while I was in the hospital and the discussion came up with the doctor whether or not I should be released. There was a look that came into Ronny's eyes that told me just how much he loved me and my heart melted all over again. I thank my lucky stars this man is in my life and can't imagine one day without him and I look forward to the rest of eternity with him.

It comes and goes.....

A friend of mine asked me recently if the pain of losing Aaron is as strong today as it was when he died. The answer is yes. Its difficult to describe though. The pain is constant, its always there. The intensity of it comes and goes though. Some moments its almost overwhelming and I feel like my heart is breaking all over again and other times its just a raw rubbing in the back of my head or chest but I can function. I can't imagine the pain ever fully going away, and the thought of it going away scares me. I know that sounds backwards but its somewhat difficult to put into words.

For those wondering how I'm doing, I have really good days, days filled with joy. I have days that function as smoothly as it did before Aaron came. I also have not such good days, those are the days that I usually stick close to home, days that I feel productive if I just can get the basic things done like getting the kids to school and getting dinner on the table, even if its late. Those are the days that I remind myself that if I can just get through it, tomorrow will not be so bad. Those are the days that I send constant pleas for comfort to my Father in Heaven, pleading for that warm peace that tells me all is well and tomorrow will come.

I came across this poem or mantra of sort on a friend's blog. Not all of it applies to me but most of it does, most of it describes exactly the things I tell myself on those difficult days.

Just For Today, For Bereaved Parents
By Vicki Tushingham

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in the world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would make my own child proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.

(my favorite part)
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

I would add a stanza though if I could ...
Just for today I will remember to allow God to take the burden that is upon my shoulders. I will accept the strength He can only give. I will ask Him for the peace that reminds me tomorrow will come and tomorrow will be better than today.

Like I said, not all of it applies but the majority of it does. These hard days don't come as often as they once did. The phrase "Time heals all wounds" is somewhat misleading I think. Time doesn't necessarily heal the wounds it just gives you the opportunity to learn to live with them. People ask me all the time if things are back to "normal" now. I have yet to figure out what that means, if it means that we are doing the things that we did before Aaron came the answer is yes. We have a working schedule, the kids are doing well in school and the house is somewhat in orde, we continue to live on and move forward, but does it feel "normal"? The answer is no, I feel like we are missing someone and that pain, its still there.

Temple Trip

Since being put on bed rest last year, last March was the last time my husband and I were able to attend the temple together. This last Saturday we were able to attend once again together along with our daughter. When Charley turned 12 our bishop gave her a temple recommend to perform baptisms whenever she was able. For one reason or anther we just weren't able to go together until this last weekend. We had heard it was busy so we had planned to be gone for at least 2 hours, it took 3! I asked one of my visiting teachers if she would watch the boys while we were gone. We arrived at the temple to see the baptistry packed! We were instructed to the chapel and told the line started in the back and they would take a few people at a time and just to scooch down the pews as people left. Most who were there were youth with an occasional parent mixed in. Watching we realized that each youth did 5 names unless they brought their own family names and then they seemed to do a max of 10 at a time. The process was very efficient yet it still took us an hour and a half to just get to the front of the line.

When it was our turn we were directed to the clothing area and the sweet matron explained to Charley the process and told her to remember her size for her clothing so that she would be able to know in the future her sizes and feel right at home. She asked if I would be willing to hand out towels or if I had names to do, I told her I would do whatever they needed me to do. Ronny was able to baptize and confirm Charley as well as several other youth in attendance that day. I was touched to see the willingness and eagerness of the youth to want to be in the temple. I could not have asked for a better example for our daughter. One of the workers explained that there are open hours for baptisms every Friday morning, Saturday, and each holiday for all those wanting to come. The baptistry opens at 6:00 am and they said that there are youth lined up outside the doors at 5:45 each time and that the chapel is always filled by 6:00. So where are the youth in South Jordan each Friday and Saturday morning, they are at the temple.

When I was a youth we were able to attend the temple twice a year and would do between 10 and 20 names when we went and I remember the temple workers begging us to come back soon. In college I would try to do baptisms during open hours once a week with a few friends. I remember the workers well. They would beg us to come back each week. What a completely different experience for our daughter.

While sitting in the chapel waiting our turn I felt that all too familiar squeeze on my heart. I felt a little jipped thinking that we were not able to do this for our son. I know that it is not necessary as his place with his Father in Heaven is assured, yet I still felt like we were missing out on this experience with him. What joy has come to those that have been waiting for their ordinances though. I hope Charley remembers that day, I know I will and I look forward to going with the boys in the future.

Just taking a break....

I've had a few phone calls and emails about why I haven't posted in a while. Its certainly not for a lack of stuff going on. In fact, I have sat down and starting several posts in the last few weeks only to save them as drafts or delete them altogether. I just can't seem to put what's in my head and heart in words that make much sense as of late. So for now, I am taking a break.

Resolutions

As its the new year, inevitably its time to make some new resolutions or goals. I heard someone on the news today talking about how to give you a better chance at achieving your goals. One of the suggestions was to declare them publicly, so here we go.....

1. Organize. Pretty much all of last year was spent surviving each day so you can imagine the state of our basement and closets. My goal for January is to go through both and make several trips to D.I. I have been saving the boys clothes and baby clothes for years as they would get passed down. Its time those clothes found new homes outside of my own. Each month I think I will pick a part of the house to reorganize.

2. Figure out a system for the countless papers that walk through my door each day. I have a couple ideas I'm willing to try, we'll see what works the best.

3. Get our credit card paid off in the next 6 months. I was talking to someone recently about this and they mentioned that it must be difficult to pay off all the hospital bills. Early last year I felt impressed to make a yearly budget. For the most part it was pretty accurate. Of course I didn't realize the extent of our medical expenses at the time but because I mapped everything out we were in a much better place than had we not. Even with all the medical bills I think we would have been fine, what I didn't anticipate was the $1000 a month we spent in gas for our cars traveling to the hospital and the double food budget the months I was on bed rest and spending days at the hospital. That for the most part went on the credit card. Combine that with the medical bills and you can guess that our credit card has seen waaaaay too much activity for my liking this year. Even still, some would say that what we owe is not very much considering our year, but for me if that bill can't be paid off each month I tend to hyperventilate just a little. I have started tutoring again to help and much to my kids dismay we are cutting back in a few other areas as well. The sooner we can get that paid off the better!!!!

4. Eat healthier. We have fallen into the trap of fast and easy meals this last year that are not always the healthiest. Now that I am home more we can get back to planning out our weekly menu and cut all the junk that has found its way in the door.

5. Nuture the soul. I don't quite know how to phrase what I'm thinking so that is the best I have come up with. Since the days in the hospital with Aaron I have less tolerance for noisy TV's and radios. I find I read so much more now given that I was reading at his bedside for so long. I am constantly searching for things to read that uplifts. Sometimes I'm in the mood for deep spiritual journey's through my reading but mostly I just want to read light things that make me happy and don't force my battered brain to have to think too much. That may change in the future but for now, just give me happy and light.

6. Search for the Joy. I have found that I have built some walls up inside to protect me from different things. I know they are there and for now just knowing the walls are there is work enough. Eventually I will begin to take them down, when I'm ready. At least that is what I tell myself. I was talking to a good friend right before Christmas who has also lost a child, she has been a lifeline these last few months. She made a comment to me that I loved. She reminded me that whatever heartache we experience here the Lord will be multiply it in joy. I am searching for that joy. Sometimes its hard to find but I know its there if we but make the effort to look. My #1 goal this year is to search for joy.