It comes and goes.....

A friend of mine asked me recently if the pain of losing Aaron is as strong today as it was when he died. The answer is yes. Its difficult to describe though. The pain is constant, its always there. The intensity of it comes and goes though. Some moments its almost overwhelming and I feel like my heart is breaking all over again and other times its just a raw rubbing in the back of my head or chest but I can function. I can't imagine the pain ever fully going away, and the thought of it going away scares me. I know that sounds backwards but its somewhat difficult to put into words.

For those wondering how I'm doing, I have really good days, days filled with joy. I have days that function as smoothly as it did before Aaron came. I also have not such good days, those are the days that I usually stick close to home, days that I feel productive if I just can get the basic things done like getting the kids to school and getting dinner on the table, even if its late. Those are the days that I remind myself that if I can just get through it, tomorrow will not be so bad. Those are the days that I send constant pleas for comfort to my Father in Heaven, pleading for that warm peace that tells me all is well and tomorrow will come.

I came across this poem or mantra of sort on a friend's blog. Not all of it applies to me but most of it does, most of it describes exactly the things I tell myself on those difficult days.

Just For Today, For Bereaved Parents
By Vicki Tushingham

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in the world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would make my own child proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.

(my favorite part)
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

I would add a stanza though if I could ...
Just for today I will remember to allow God to take the burden that is upon my shoulders. I will accept the strength He can only give. I will ask Him for the peace that reminds me tomorrow will come and tomorrow will be better than today.

Like I said, not all of it applies but the majority of it does. These hard days don't come as often as they once did. The phrase "Time heals all wounds" is somewhat misleading I think. Time doesn't necessarily heal the wounds it just gives you the opportunity to learn to live with them. People ask me all the time if things are back to "normal" now. I have yet to figure out what that means, if it means that we are doing the things that we did before Aaron came the answer is yes. We have a working schedule, the kids are doing well in school and the house is somewhat in orde, we continue to live on and move forward, but does it feel "normal"? The answer is no, I feel like we are missing someone and that pain, its still there.