"That Conversation"

A month or so ago we were invited to the March of Dimes fundraiser in Salt Lake. Several chefs from around the area came and cooked a small sampling of their best and we tried lots of wonderful new dishes. The food was great, hands down had the best caramel apple ever there! We had been asked previously if a few of Aaron's pictures from our blog could be used for the event. We consented and were ready to hunt him down when we arrived. We did not have to look far, his picture was pretty much on every other table there. In the ballroom there was a large screen showing other pictures of him and the kids visiting the NICU. We ran into a few of his doctor's and nurses and NICU friends there and met several new people. I think because we knew a little of what to expect we were prepared for the emotions the night would bring.

This last weekend I ran into one of Aaron's nurses at Target. She literally jumped in front of me to say hello. It was nice to see her and meet her boys she had told us about. We had a nice conversation and she wanted to know how we were doing. Its these times when I'm not quite prepared for "that conversation" that I come home and need to have a "time out" to get myself put back together.

"That conversation" goes like this:
Them: Denise, how are you doing? Me: Fine or Good and you?, depending on the mood I'm in. Them: "How are the kids doing?" Me: They are doing good.
Then the big stuff comes.....
Them: "We/I were/was so sorry to hear of Aaron's loss." Me: "Thank you", because really, what are you supposed to say to that???
Them: "How are the kids dealing with their brother being gone?" Me: cringe, sigh, Just fine, thank you for asking (and me thinking, why do people ask these questions?)
Them: "How are you and Ronny doing since Aaron died?" Me: cringe again, "We're good or We're surviving."
At this point if I can find an out I take it (like having to chase down one of the boys or needing to get somewhere in a hurry). If not I do what I can to smile and get through it (like when someone you've never met in a very loud voice for the entire building to hear starts with those questions and you are totally cornered by your primary class waiting to get into the primary room, yeah it happens at the most awkward places).

My emotions as of late seem to be a little on the full side. Much more in the last few weeks. I don't know if its because the holidays are here and I had so hoped to have Aaron home for Christmas, or if its because I feel like I'm getting blind sided by something or someone every other day, or if its because the adrenaline from having to plan and prepare things for Aaron is finally gone, or large family events that seem to be going on every weekend. Maybe its a combination of all of it, who knows.

Ronny and I are planning to go visit his parents this next month. His Mom asked what we want to do while we are there. My response: Nothing! She laughed, and I told her I was serious, Nothing! I don't want to have a schedule, I don't want to be busy, I just want to have a place the kids can entertain themselves and I can just sit and watch them, or sleep, or read. I told Ronny I wasn't in the mood to go visit a million people or to have big family gatherings while we are there (as inevitably "that conversation" will be ongoing). He looked at me and said, "You are going to have to do that at some point." I told him I agreed, but NOW is not that "point" and that Aaron has only been gone 2 months, don't I get more time? He hugged me and told me I could have as much time as I wanted. What a smart guy!