Benefit of the Doubt

This has been as especially hard week for Ronny and I in the NICU. Aaron turned 4 months old this week. He is day 125 I think. Aaron had some ups and downs this week. One of those 2 steps forward 1 step back weeks. In the midst of the step back part some unfortunate things happened that were hard to explain initially. Unfortunately in reports that were made, some miscommunications and misunderstandings were relayed. Fingers started getting pointed and they landed for the most part on Ronny and my shoulders. Within a day or two of these reports the real cause for the problems surfaced, one a machine malfunction that was fixed and the other a realization that what was thought to be reported never really happened. Before those remedies were made the brunt of things were dropped in our laps.

In one of the cases in the midst of all that happened some tempers flared, some things were said that shouldn't have been said, especially in front of myself and my son. I was familiar with the person and knew that this particular person was having a pretty hard day, so I dismissed the fit and gave them the benefit of the doubt. In the other circumstance Ronny did the same with the person who had been in the room during the problem he was present for. He was pretty shaken when he came home so I sent him out on a run to work it out. In both cases I was the one to take the heat the following day. What frustrates me is that the fingers started pointing before anything was first confirmed and that those fingers were directed towards us, the parents.

As any parent would confirm, to have someone report that something you did or were a part of would cause harm to their child stings pretty sore. I don't have to tell anyone how stressful our lives are at the moment or how overwhelmed we are. With all that is going on we are very sensitive, its something we surely are aware of and something we do our best to deal with and help each other constantly. I know EVERY parent in the NICU feels the same way. To have something directed toward the parent with or without confirmation is troubling in such a setting, especially one that is so overwhelming to begin with. We have felt our stress level multiply these last few days over things that never should have happened and its unfortunate. I pray others don't have to go through this and hope that benefit of the doubt is extended in both directions from this point on.

This situation has kept me up at night and churned in my head and my heart for a few days now. I debated whether or not to include it and my feelings here on our blog. In the end I realized just venting it out would help me but also I feel like maybe it will benefit someone else out there and felt impressed to include it. A few years back I read an article in our church magazine about charity. In it the article relates that sometimes the best form of charity is to give someone the benefit of the doubt. That has stuck with me over the years, its something I've tried to apply in my life, something I am still striving to be better at, something I am trying to do right now. Emotions seem to get in the way all too often and I am trying to take a moment to pause and breathe before I react.

I did address this issue yesterday and the day before and tried to leave as much emotion out of it as possible. In the end the Attending did come in and apologized yesterday, I appreciated that. In that same conversation she asked the dreaded "when should we stop care" question which of course just made everything 10 times worse. It seems that each Attending feels the need to ask us this question. Ronny and I discuss our options, our feelings, and our concerns about Aaron and his care daily. We make our decisions together and with prayer and as each problem arises with Aaron we ask ourselves that ever dreaded question. Its an all too familiar conversation that leaves us emotionally drained but one that has to be done. Each time we discuss it and each time we are asked by the staff it gets more difficult to answer, not because our answer has changed that much but because to say the words out loud almost feels like we are giving away some of our faith and hope. In the end after each of these conversations we find ourselves on our knees begging for peace and strength and each time the Lord has been there to pick up our broken hearts, put us back together, and give us the strength we need to get through one more day.